Claiming My Education

One of the things they say in order to be a writer is you've just got to write. 

Ugh. Respectfully disagreeing. So much of the writing process happens in the brain through planning and introspection, and scribbling notes on napkins that you loose or typing random notes in your phone which you also loose. It happens while dreaming and in late night spirals. Then eventually, after it's been several months, you hit the page.

I am a writer. Yes it's been two months since I've written anything on this blog but I've been a writer since the third grade. Before AI busted through the wall like the Kool-Aid man, I was typing out 150 page novellas in middle school. I'd make my friends read them and give me feedback which I was always afraid to hear and didn't often follow. I went to college for creative writing and it all tracks because now I work in communications at a nonprofit. Everything aligns to writing. Communication is even one of my top five Clifton strengths. So, why is getting back into this blog so difficult?

I'm back in school after what feels like an eternity. I originally decided to write this blog to document pieces of my MBA experience, reflect on more significant findings, and possibly start the blueprint for a consulting business once I'm further in my career and I can take what I've learned and what I know and implement it usefully. I've been struggling to prioritize this project because I am currently in transition at work, at school, and in my personal life. It's easier to sit down and write for enjoyment when you're not in survival mode. Over the years, I've heard and I've read about desperation being an important motivator for creativity-- that starving artist ideology. Respectfully, I think that’s bullshit. I've been in desperation from chronic illness, loss, change, trauma, and all sorts of various battles. It's never served my creativity. My best work is done when I'm in a healthy state of mind and body, with a good tranquil atmosphere, and a sweet cup of iced matcha.

This year, I was promoted to Strategic Partnerships and Public Relations Manager, with more responsibility in a sector that is increasingly under pressure to provide essential housing for people in need; I'm transitioning to a new home alongside my separation anxiety ridden fur baby; AND I decided the MBA wasn't the program for me, so I'm moving in a new direction toward a Masters in Management and Organization. The new program is still a part of the business school. I'm still going to benefit from the networking and workshops offered at CU Denver. I am still going to write this blog and complete this project.

Since I was a little girl I always ate one food at a time on my dinner plate. There's no mixing the meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and veggies together. I want to savor the meatloaf, it's already got a tone of stuff in it anyway, then enjoy the potatoes, and move onto the veggies. The MBA was a lot all at once in areas I'm not interested in. I just know in my heart that the versatility of an MBA and the focus on financial fluency is not where my heart truly lies. And I am honoring following my gut. To clarify, the very first course I took was fantastic. It was a leadership class called Leading Teams and Individuals and it was so amazing that it inspired me to search deeper into programs offered at the business school. I looked for something more niche to study in alignment with that class experience. I looked for a program that wasn't going to feel like an uphill battle the entire way, but one I'd feel excited to get home to do my homework for. Essentially, after that first class I dipped my toe into the waters of Data Analysis, Anaconda, AI and IS Strategy and said absolutely not, that water is way too cold for it to be my life for the next three years. 

I think I may have taken the class most suited to my interests out of the entire MBA program first, which meant I might not see another class similar throughout my entire program. A blessing or a curse? The leadership class I've been inspired by is a core class in the Masters in Management (MIM) program. All of the courses in my new program are focused more on human behavior, psychology of the workplace, management through change and disruption, leadership styles, structures for standard operating, and culture in a work place. The stuff I read, study, and take notes on for fun, so two years? Easy.

It was/is uncomfortable to make this change and talk about it. This year one of the themes that keeps coming forward is learning how to be okay with discomfort. This feels impossible because anyone who knows me will tell you, I am a creature of comfort, not an outdoor camper, not a sky diver, not a thrill seeker. I enjoy a pizza and a movie on a Friday night every single week like it's a religious practice from the safety and security of my couch. Changing programs is an uncomfortable reality for me. I am embarrassed I told everyone and their mother that I am earning my MBA and now I'm not. I feel ashamed because that bullying voice inside me wants me to believe I am making this change because I just couldn't cut it at the MBA level. I'm afraid that people won't be interested in following along on my musings and journey anymore. There is a lot of icky that I don't want to deal with but I need to in order to move forward.

After sitting in silence and reflecting on what feels best for me, I got clarity. This is the right decision for me. I read an essay many years ago by Adrienne Rich titled "Claiming an Education" and it was about feminism and how women have a right to claim their education and be responsible for oneself, for women, and for all students. I think about the powerful, strong leaders who came before me who were forced to thrive in discomfort. Then I recognize my privilege in being able to claim a different program at all -- to have the luxury of choice in the matter to begin with, and I chin up. I reframe the narrative to be a joyous opportunity, one that I have a duty to see through.

That's the convoluted way of explaining how this blog will become a dumping ground for, not an MBA student, but a MIM candidate to throw down all her findings one lesson, one class, one portion at a time. If you got this far, thank you for reading.

In vulnerability,

Bessana